Aftermath Read online

  “Or it could be nothing and we’ve wasted time.” She rubbed shaky fingers over an eyebrow and continued moving them to her temple.

  “You don’t mean that.” He pulled her hand from her face and cupped her cheek, a sense of rightness flooding him. They’d been through so much, together, the relationship unlike any he’d ever had. With Amanda, he wanted everything to be perfect.

  Still wanted that, but knew it didn’t exist. He could only put his best foot forward and pray for unparalleled results.

  Her hand found his. “No. I don’t. I’m trying to see the bigger picture, for once.”

  “You always do.”

  She started to shake her head. Another byproduct of IA and the past.

  He placed his other palm against the opposite cheek. Stopped the motion. “You do. Don’t make me break out in an idiotic song and dance to get your attention. You know what you’re doing. You always have. So, unless you want me to get my tap shoes out…”

  Her lips quirked upward a fraction. “Mm-hmm, you don’t even have a pair, do you?”

  “Test me and find out, Nettles.”

  “Do I get to pick the song?”

  A laugh rumbled through him as he dropped his hands. “You really shouldn’t let Miss Sass take vacation.”

  “Why not? You’d probably like the stand in much better.”

  “Doubt it.”

  Her gaze dropped and then zipped back up. The pulse at her neck picked up speed. “So, now would be a bad time to admit there’s a naive twenty-year-old lurking beneath my skin and working like a heroin addict to break free for permanent residence?”

  “Depends. Is the twenty-year-old you impulsive and sassy with just enough in-your-face attitude to have a person over thinking every move?”

  A slow smile showed white teeth. “Maybe add a little false invincibility to that list.”

  “If you get to be younger, so do I. And, fair warning, I was even more dashingly handsome at twenty-eight than I am now. You don’t stand a chance.” He swiped the beer in her hand and sipped it.

  “Hey.” She made a grab for it, but he pulled it out of reach. “First the couch. My coffee. Now my beer. You’re walking a dangerous line, Robbie. What’s next?”

  All of her. Heart, mind, body and soul. “It’s a mystery. And we all know you can’t resist a good one.”

  A soft, but tired smile lit her face. And then she snatched her drink back. “And this is a bad thing?”

  “No.” It was what made this woman so good at her job. She listened to intuition when others didn’t. Never stopped searching for answers when the road got too bumpy. Anybody who knew her, even a little, could see that.

  While it benefited anyone who needed her help, it also made her an easy target for those who wished her harm.

  The whole reason he was sitting in this room popped into his mind. Without one crazy letter, he wouldn’t be here at all. Wouldn’t be teasing this woman. Finally talking after months of silence.

  Another problem Amanda couldn’t solve easily. He stilled. The simple letter was never meant for him or Jonas. “It was meant for you.”

  Beth had to have anticipated Amanda shredding the contents. If he hadn’t been nearby this morning, he doubted the woman next to him would have opened the envelope. It had been written all over her tight stance and unmoving frame. And a gaze that encompassed only the stationary item.

  Would Beth have anticipated both Robinson and Jonas agreeing they should talk Amanda into joining their ranks? Were these girls that important? Or would they fall into a hidden agenda?

  “What?” One eyebrow hitched higher than the other on her forehead. “You’re giving me the I’ve-got-a-surprise-and-you-won’t-like-it face.”

  “I am?”

  She gave a slow nod.

  “Three weeks ago, Jonas and I received separate, but identical letters about Kimberly and Denise’s cases. Details that linked them. Age, type of disappearance and so forth. Very sterile. Just facts. Not much else. Everything you’ve been talking about.”

  She shifted away from him. Confusion marred her face, dread pulling up behind eyes that leveled on him and held. “From?”

  The minute he said the words, everything would change. He should’ve trekked up to Raleigh and demanded answers. And instead, he and Jonas had figured Beth’s letters were nothing more than a bored mind at work. Mixed with a bit of luck.

  And the girls were missing, so did it matter where the basic information had come from?

  “Just spit it out. Don’t hold out on me.”

  “It came from Raleigh.”

  She stilled. Then shook her head. Stood so fast, she almost knocked him over. “Please, don’t say Beth sent you something.” Confusion turned to agony. “Lie if you have to.”

  He stood. Resisted touching her. “A.J.”

  She folded her arms across her chest, her fingers braced tight on either bicep. Something wet glittered in her eyes, turning them to a deep molasses. A flash of anger within them dared him to come up with anything that could explain this. As if he’d made the contact.

  He ground his back molars together. She’d have to sit tight and listen, because he’d never done anything to warrant her suspicion. Beth had ruined his life, too.

  Pointing it out didn’t do any good.

  A heavy breath came through her lips. “Let me get this straight. She wrote you a letter about a possible case and you, what? Jumped right in?”

  Never. And Amanda should know it. He ran a hand across his face. Willed his boiling blood to slow. Braced his hands on his hips. “I opened it. Read it and then threw it away. Didn’t bother giving it another thought. And then Nancy went missing. And I couldn’t ignore it. Believe me, I wanted to, but it wasn’t—isn’t about me.”

  Amanda gnawed on her bottom lip, her gaze on something behind him. One of her hands flexed on her bicep and then tightened right back in. “Have you ever read her journal?” The words were forced, as if she didn’t want to ask the question but couldn’t risk not knowing.

  He rubbed his neck. He’d seen bits and pieces. Enough to know her childhood hadn’t been easy. It didn’t excuse her actions. “A few pages, sure.”

  “I kept a copy, but couldn’t bring myself to read it.” That amber gaze landed on him, then. “What I don’t know can’t hurt me. If I don’t find dysfunction and neglect, I don’t have to deal with sympathy that is both unnecessary and too late. I don’t have to envision every person harmed. See shock on people’s faces when they mistake me for her. It’s just meaningless words on pages that will eventually be forgotten.”

  Not if it ever left the hands of law enforcement officials. It was only human nature to want to see inside the mind of a killer. To embrace the burning question of why. To understand how anyone could shed humanity so easily. And answers—no matter the type—would never satisfy.

  “But I’m not stupid. And I know this won’t ever be over. Not until the events are a tiny blip in a history book. Discussed by classes and mulled over by people, so far removed, they’ll romanticize every second.” Moisture gathered in her eyes. “So, when she reaches out, in any manner, it pisses me off. Makes me want to go up there and drag her to the execution chamber, where I can inject the drugs myself.”

  The weight of her words settled in the space between them. And then jabbed through the center of him. What did he say to that? Did he admit he’d had similar thoughts he hadn’t let take root?

  What good would it do?

  The question never stopped. Just played on repeat in his mind whenever the past jumped up and took a bite out of him.

  She pressed her lips together. Let out a stilted breath. A tear spilled over the edge of one eyelid.

  The sight of it traveling down her cheek tore at the fabric of his being. Every cell in his body longed to reach out and hold her. He held still a beat. Two. And then he was a breath away. The palm of one hand was on her cheek, his thumb brushing at the streak of moisture under her eye. “Hey.”

>   “Another part of me remembers a sweet, funny girl who got a crappy lot in life. Every system there for her protection. All of them failing. Who paid the price?”

  The numbers were too great. And while Amanda was here dealing with the aftermath, he doubted Beth had any remorse. Or even gave them a second thought. The truth of it had settled in his bloodstream a long time ago. And like solar flares, it sprung to life and begged for release at odd intervals.

  What good would it do?

  Like when the love of his life was falling apart in front of his eyes, but desperate to hold the frayed edges together. And so consumed with protecting everyone around her, she forgot about herself.

  “And then I remember all the lives she destroyed. Lilly’s. Ariana’s. Yours. And I can’t see that girl anymore. I see a waste of breath.” Her words came hard and fast. “A selfish and vindictive woman who doesn’t care about anything. Someone who writes letters for herself. No one else. And I can’t stand the thought of her living—even in jail—one more day.” She took a breath. “So, how am I any different? How is the same type of burning anger any better than hers?”

  He closed the gap between them and pulled Amanda against him. Like every other time she’d been in his arms, he reveled in the perfect feel. The way she hugged him back as if life depended on it. Never held back.

  With Amanda it was all or nothing. And she had a hard time with the latter. Even during mind-numbing madness. “Your anger is driven by love.” He whispered into her hair. “For your friends. For your family.”

  She pulled far enough away to look up at him. Her eyebrows furrowed, because she knew his words were true. She had to.

  “Even for...her.”

  As if she’d known where he’d been heading, she clamped her eyes shut. Shook her head as if she could outdo a choice that was soul-deep. The despair there cut him in ways he’d never thought possible. What he wouldn’t give to change it.

  “Reconciling both emotions won’t be easy.” It wasn’t for him and he didn’t have a convoluted history to wade through. Only a sister so focused on her own pain, she saw little else. “It makes you who you are. The woman I respect. The woman I love.”

  Her eyes sprang open and centered on him, shock floating in their depths. Unshed tears added a sparkle.

  “What?” He grinned over the pounding of his heart inside his ears. “Did you think it was going to go away because things didn’t go as planned for us the first time around?”

  The edge of a smile caught her lips. She sniffed. “That’s sort of insinuating there’s a second go-around.”

  There had to be. “You better believe there is, Nettles.”

  She didn’t argue with him. “You better dry your tears then, mister. We can’t have whiners around here.”

  A chuckle met the air around them and bounced back as his own, good and freeing. “On it. About New Year’s Eve—”

  The intense sound of chirping stopped him short. She pulled away from him and dug out her phone. Punched a few keys. “A bedroom window was opened.”

  And then his phone rang. He pulled it from his pocket and put it to his ear. “Robinson.”

  “Tell Amanda to stop panicking,” McKenna said. The click of keys filled the line. “Lilly and Ariana saw the news tonight.”

  Robinson pinched the bridge of his nose. Hadn’t meant for them to find out this way. Or at all. “How bad is it, Moore?”

  Amanda’s eyes were glued to him. She didn’t move.

  “They were both upset about Jonas. We settled Ariana down and got her to sleep.”

  “Lilly went out the window. Scaled the gutter drain pipe.” Amanda and McKenna’s voices were in stereo. And then his Agent was back with, “She’s pretty quick. That thing isn’t made to hold much weight for long. Not like the movies.” She paused. “I could tell she was just as upset as Ariana, but desperate to hide it. Threw her books and notes away.” She paused, a sigh filling the silence. “I’ve got Kevin Gates following her.”

  “You sure the kid can handle it?” He ushered Amanda out of the Bening house and locked up. There was only one place Lilly would go.

  As if to prove BeMoore Securities hired only the best, McKenna scoffed. “He may be a kid in the eyes of some, but he’s good at what he does.”

  “Alright.” He blew out a breath.

  “Found something odd between the pages of Lilly’s book.”

  “What?”

  “A copy of Beth’s diary. Looked like it had been mailed.”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  HE’D NEVER BEEN more right.

  A truth Amanda could have gone without acknowledging. Ever. There was something wrong with her. A missing screw in her brain, ceasing normal function. And leaving her trapped in a maze with no exit.

  She adjusted her seatbelt inside Robinson’s SUV. The strap chaffed the exposed skin of her collarbone. Sent giant ripples of irritation into an already keyed up system.

  The windshield wipers annihilated the droplets trying to find permanent home on the window.

  How was she supposed to justify love—the word didn’t deserve to come within feet of Beth—for a woman who’d destroyed innocent lives? And justified those actions based on an invisible sliding scale, compounded by every wrong committed against her.

  Amanda hadn’t been placating Robinson last night. She understood how a person could come to that crossroads. How anger could take over injury and exacerbate the grievance to the point where the lines of right and wrong didn’t exist.

  Where seeing the pain of a fellow human being didn’t register until it was far too late. If ever.

  “Lilly’s not ready, Amanda.” Robinson shifted in his seat. Flicked on his blinker as he slowed for an intersection. His hands tightened on the wheel. He didn’t even glance in her direction, aggravation flying off of him like sparks from a metal grinder.

  Amanda shook her head. Planned to stave it off before it could settle in. Should have employed more of the loving-the-seemingly-unlovable on Robinson’s sister. “She’s not twelve. You can’t make her decisions for her. Doing so is coddling a capable woman and creating a prison she can’t escape.”

  He shook his head. The dashboard illuminated the green in his eyes. It stood out against the beautiful blue, like the reef against the ocean, as he focused all his attention on her for a split second. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

  “No? From where I’m sitting, that’s what it looks like.”

  He itched a spot on his chest, near the top of his seatbelt. His jaw flexed. “And what else am I supposed to do?”

  Heaven knew they’d all tried to be understanding. In a situation none of them could truly grasp without surviving the specifics. And, instead of attempting to see through the bull, and tackle the problem, she’d assumed her departure would do the trick.

  “She’s had enough taken from her. Too many decisions ripped from her hands.”

  “Not ripped.” His voice was clipped. “She couldn’t control the car accident or anything in the months following it. I’ll give her that. But she’s alive and capable and she chooses not to do anything most of the time.” He flashed her a glare. “You’ve seen it. And I can’t let Ariana struggle on her own.”

  No one would argue with him, there. “So, let her make this decision on her own. If she feels she can’t hack it, she’ll tell us. And, if needed, you can say I-told-you-so later.”

  Beyond the motion required to turn them onto Sugar Creek Road, he didn’t move, lips pressed tight. “This isn’t about being right.”

  “You can’t protect and shelter her and then expect she’ll one day pick up the pieces as if nothing ever happened. It doesn’t work that way.”

  Maybe she was wrong. Lilly didn’t require something to remind her she hadn’t died and was still needed. That they didn’t see through her. “She’s kept up her nursing license, right?”

  A terse nod was her only response.

  She bit down on the edge of her tongue. Held back the dose o
f frustration climbing her esophagus.

  She didn’t intend to leave Robinson to shoulder the burden alone.

  If there truly was a second chance for them, it meant picking up the other end of his cross and dragging it if she had to. So long as she had her hands on the thing.

  He parked the car at the edge of the cemetery gates, shut off the engine and turned toward her, his movements jerky. The serious expression covering his face had her wanting to squirm in her seat like a teen in serious trouble. “We tracked down the suspicious call into the hospital this morning. Came from your landline.”

  What?

  Ariana and Robinson had still been sleeping when she’d gotten up. “Lilly?” Her heart sank to her toes. She took a breath. “So, she was concerned. Called to check on him. What’s the big deal? That might work in our favor. We need someone to care for Jonas once he gets to—”

  “We need someone who isn’t angry and lashing out at everyone.” His voice was gruff. His eyes hadn’t left her face.

  “What am I missing? Are you questioning her nursing abilities or something else?” Like Amanda’s strength against the other woman’s verbal chess. Pain that had slowly brewed to bone-deep hatred.

  “My guess is she dug into his past. Found a connection she doesn’t need to be grasping on to.”

  Jonas’ deceased wife popped into her mind, her death one among many in the path of destruction Beth had created. “And it prompted her to check on him. Still not getting the big deal. Even if she did it for the wrong reasons, which would include comradery with someone in the same boat, that’s nothing new. Happens all the time. And positive things can come from a bad choice.”

  “In the right frame of mind, sure.” He crossed his arms. “I know Lilly. What she did was no accident.”

  That sinking feeling was tugging a little harder, at her insides. “Spell it out for me. What’s the big deal?”

  Robinson tucked his bottom lip inward and stared out the front window. “She used your badge number to gain the information. Identified herself as you.”

  What? Her heart started a frantic rhythm, all the way from where it had flopped on the floor of Robinson’s vehicle, like a fish out of water. A giant stomped on her stomach and kept going despite the obvious lack of defense.